He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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