i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
