Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Man, jail baloney is awful.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
