Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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