if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
