Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
