watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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