My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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