Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
