you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
