walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
