my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
