Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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