you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
