dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
