I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
