Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
