So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Dick very happy bro
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
