Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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