I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
