Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
It was a blind-side dick pic.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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