just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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