People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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