I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize