i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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