its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
