Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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