She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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