FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
