I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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