Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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