I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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