he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
