I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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