Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Randomize
