u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
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