just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
