haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
