time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
