I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
