How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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