I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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