Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
