How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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