Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
