My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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