You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
