Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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