nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
