Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
