i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
