Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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