so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
