so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
