he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
