does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
so let's talk penis.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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