you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
