Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
